I cooked dinner, arranged the table and lit candles. Somehow I had known to prepare my own favorite meal and pour myself a glass of my favorite red wine ( which I worried that I was trying to get myself intoxicated in hopes to 'get lucky' later- however these feelings soon subsided and trust took their place)... as I ate I had a wonderful, witty and do I dare say CHARMING conversation with myself, laughing at my own jokes, even enjoying the few romantic silences between topics. Candles burnt down, I left the dinner table with myself and settled onto the couch, and continuing conversation. A little drunk I admit to myself that 'I've never quite spoken to anyone the way I speak to myself..." and bashfully blush, biting my own tongue for embarrassing myself in front of myself so early on my own date...
"I know I feel the same way when I talk to me also" I again admit.
I put on a romantic comedy and I put my hand on my own leg.
I barely make it through the movie before I find myself kissing my own neck. This drives me wild. My lips meet mine, and a carnal make-out session begins.
Feverishly I kiss and suck at my own lips, barely stopping for a moment making eye contact with myself nor halting to catch my own breath.
I try and stop myself, but before I know it, I've removed my own shirt.
"...stop stop..." I whisper in my ear
"I'm not ready for this"
Its fine I gasp as I get a hold of my urges, "I can wait for me"
What a great kisser I am. I can't stop thinking about myself.
I hope I see me again soon.
RESPONSES:
"That sooooo made my day!! Thanks for sharing. Good to know there are more of us out there..."
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
"Role Playing"
We go out. have a fabulous time.
we get to my place.
you dress like a chicken while i smoke.
RESPONSES:
"Hello, Just wanted too say that has too the the Funniest Post I have ever read, thanks for the laughter. ROFLMAO, thanks."
"this can't be serious....
can it?"
we get to my place.
you dress like a chicken while i smoke.
RESPONSES:
"Hello, Just wanted too say that has too the the Funniest Post I have ever read, thanks for the laughter. ROFLMAO, thanks."
"this can't be serious....
can it?"
My Response to a guy looking for a woman...
FIRST EMAIL:
I tried the bad boy thing also, so now i'm trying the bad girl thing.
SCENE EXT:
me in a wig, my junk duct taped between my legs. We enjoy a day of shopping and food at the southpoint mall followed by drinks at a wine bar. We drink a little too much. You place your hand on my face, feeling my 5 o'clock shadow. I smile. You hear muffled noises from my purse. I change the subject when you inquire what could be inside. I take off my pumps to get more comfortable. As i pull my legs underneath my muscular, apple- like ass, you notice that I am wearing thigh highs. This drives you crazy. We vote to get on my moped and go to your place. I let you wear my helmet.
SCENE INT:
after heading back to your place I do my best Randy Savage Impression which sends chills up your spine. I put lipstick on you. and tape your eyelids shut and remove all your clothing. I take two kittens out of my oversized purse and a a 1/2 a gallon of milk. Over the course of the next 5 hours I pour milk all over your body and we allow the kittens to lick all evidence of Milk, skin and hair from your physique. I'm still dressed like Randy Savage, never breaking out of character. I take out my slim-jim. You dectect the scent delicious gas station jerky. I let you nibble a little, taking photos, in which I will email to your mother later. My nipples become hard, revealing themselves through my dense chest hair. I'm slightly embarrased, so I must slap you repeatedly as an affirmation of my position as alpha-male in this scenareo.
Just before daylight I glue pages from Vintage National Geographics on you while I whisper profanities into your ear. I go through your cell phone, Call your boss telling him what a good boy you've been and send him phone cam pics of the state you are in. He eventually shows up himself, dressed to the nine as a construction worker and with an overly suggestive sign stating "RAISED MANHOLES".
I cuss at him in german in which he trys to squirm out of the subject referring to you as his 'roadwork'. I tell him that there is no speeding in work zones. and then he pulls out his jackhammer which is dripping with wet 'concrete'.
For the next 3 and a half days we only eat:
Lettuce
Paper
Monopoly Pieces. ( I get to eat the shoe)
for the first day you will dress only as a rabbit.
for the second day it will be necessary for you to character act the role of the kid in 'the sixth sense'
for the third day we dress as civil war soldiers
and the last half of the final day we wander around town, nude.
Sound good? If so send me pics!
HIS RESPONSE:
you do realize that i'm a guy.
MY RESPONSE:
Sure, but I thought my Moped would make up for it...
HIS RESPONSE:
ha, sorry but i'm straight.
MY RESPONSE:
I am too! Didn't you read my entire email?
HIS RESPONSE:
I'm a guy and as far as i'm concerned, you're a guy too. Gay sex just isnt my thing so i wouldn't be chilling with you like that with your junk taped between your legs.
Dont get me wrong, i have 2 gay friends so i'm not hating.
MY RESPONSE:
I'm not a guy on Saturday nights. Sunday thru Friday we can hang out and do guy stuff, such as Hunt, Fish and watch sports. Saturday nights we can get together and you can fuck my butt-pussy. I douche it with chanel no.9 which I think you will find quite pleasant, although it might remind you of your grandmother.
"Nice Guy Looking For Special Girl" , 30 Chapel Hill
Hello!
I am looking for a Grown woman (23-40 years of age ) whose personality can change on a dime. One minute she's standing on a chair in full princess regalia happily singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the next she's uncontrollably crying and hurling her tiara across the room because I brought her juice in the wrong sippy cup. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I want it to be like hanging out with a tiny alcoholic who swigs massive amounts of milk.
She should be a little lax in the hygiene department, and then multiply that by a hundred. There are times when she absolutely reeks. But does she care? No way. I'm always the one who has to broach the bath subject. What's worse is she doesn't care if her hair is combed, her teeth brushed or her clothes are crusty with dried yogurt. Giving her friendly advice, like, "You only get one chance to make a first impression" falls on deaf ears.
Finally, I want her to self absorbed, never asking questions in conversation. Instead it's all about them. All day long it's: "I like pink!," "Watch me bounce on the bed", "I went poo in my pants!" She should never want to ask me what's MY favorite color or inquire if, perhaps, I went poo in MY pants.
Is this you? Send pictures and we will talk!
RESPONSES:
"Have you honestly ever gotten any kind of response....even snarky ones?"
"Minus the hygiene issues, I'm totally your girl."
"I'm Crystal at age 29. I don't know about all of that crazy stuff but your pretty creative. Let's talk."
I am looking for a Grown woman (23-40 years of age ) whose personality can change on a dime. One minute she's standing on a chair in full princess regalia happily singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," the next she's uncontrollably crying and hurling her tiara across the room because I brought her juice in the wrong sippy cup. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I want it to be like hanging out with a tiny alcoholic who swigs massive amounts of milk.
She should be a little lax in the hygiene department, and then multiply that by a hundred. There are times when she absolutely reeks. But does she care? No way. I'm always the one who has to broach the bath subject. What's worse is she doesn't care if her hair is combed, her teeth brushed or her clothes are crusty with dried yogurt. Giving her friendly advice, like, "You only get one chance to make a first impression" falls on deaf ears.
Finally, I want her to self absorbed, never asking questions in conversation. Instead it's all about them. All day long it's: "I like pink!," "Watch me bounce on the bed", "I went poo in my pants!" She should never want to ask me what's MY favorite color or inquire if, perhaps, I went poo in MY pants.
Is this you? Send pictures and we will talk!
RESPONSES:
"Have you honestly ever gotten any kind of response....even snarky ones?"
"Minus the hygiene issues, I'm totally your girl."
"I'm Crystal at age 29. I don't know about all of that crazy stuff but your pretty creative. Let's talk."
"I love to cook" m4w 30, Chapel Hill
Hello all,
I am looking for a woman who will participate in a similar situation.
We meet early afternoon, and proceed to my place. We cover my apartment with 2 ply industrial rolls of plastic. Previously during the day we have baked pastries and other spread to resemble condensed geographical locations from throughout the globe. we carefully place each eatable region about my abode creating a confection littered asylum that we are allowed to run carelessly throughout, from key lime cupcake california to lusciously warm lemon wedge washington DC. At this point, we vacation from our delectable tirade amongst casual conversation peppered with the occasional vulgar quip (I am as crafty with wit as I am with whipped cream), and begin tapping the 2 kegs of Wheat beer that I obtained the day before.
Finally mildly intoxicated I excuse myself into the next room (despite your staunch protests, after all I am, VERY charming) and return dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte. I proudly present you with your Lex Luthor outfit and suggest my drawn out plot for the ultimate ambrosia ambit of delicious world domination.
You unconsciously find yourself submitting an alluring nod in my direction, and a smore smeared smile creeps across your face.
Your find yourself dissolved in your evil character, discovering an itch to destroy the delicious sugar laced buffet beneath you. You are intoxicated with power. With a shot of thunder similar to Zeus you take Topica Kansas into your hands and begin devouring. I whisper in your ear "A throne is only a bench covered in velvet" fueling your hunger for saccharine sweet power as you move to devour southern Italy. I take photos of you moving across the Ligurine Sea smashing Siena into your Lips. I butter my face with thick icing, blindly thrashing through china. You notice my child like ecstasy as I devour Beijing and begin to pounce towards me. I headlock you into antartica. Slipping on fruit salad we flatten into eastern europe and roll around in the recipe that has become our defeated world.
"What a meal" you breathe into my ear.
"It's not over yet" I answer.
suddenly you hear the unmistakable sound equine nature. I have a small pony fitted as a unicorn rush into the room which we both mount for ride, and bust out my front door. Dripping with cake and other treats the beast throws back and gives me a approving glance. We head to Franklin Street and hit a few local bars, getting the pony just as drunk as we are.
Close to midnight we discover our tiny pegasus picking a fight with a nasty old man at the end of the bar. It seems our jackass has had too much to drink. Belligerent, my unicorn finishes his PBR and pukes into the mans lap.
revealing his large teeth he spits into the man's face "Hey bud, you gots a f*ckin problem wit me havin curtains in my pickup truck??"
the bar goes dead silent.
how the hell do we get our drunk unicorn off this guy?
What do we do?
You whip out your breasts in which you start shooting lasers from your diamond like nipples annihilating the pony and everyone else in the bar. This turns me on. we make out on the flaming bar, ash and smoke choking us as we copulate.
"tonight was perfect" you tell me
"i think i love you" I gasp.
i reach behind the bar, still burning and take out a 6 foot tall roll of tin foil. you pull out 6 pounds of butter, sour cream, bacon and chives. we wrap ourselves up and bake in the fire. like two potatoes, forever in love.
Sound perfect??
Contact me with pictures!
RESPONSES:
"I fucking love you, Sir."
"omg, last time that happened to me I was able to wrestle the unicorn down, hog tie it, put a penis shaped safety cap on the horn and perform unspeakable but enjoyable sex acts while my date watch."
"That is very funny. If only my fantasy on my profile didn't say what it says. tongue wink"
"so this lex luthor outfit...bald cap or should i show up with my my head razored?"
...My Response:
"i would prefer a poorly fashioned bald cap- feverishly dressed on the top of your head (your real hair peaking out ,unkempt and messy) while in the throw of our destructive rampage, of course.
how are you doing? want to ride a unicorn with me and go eat paris?"
I am looking for a woman who will participate in a similar situation.
We meet early afternoon, and proceed to my place. We cover my apartment with 2 ply industrial rolls of plastic. Previously during the day we have baked pastries and other spread to resemble condensed geographical locations from throughout the globe. we carefully place each eatable region about my abode creating a confection littered asylum that we are allowed to run carelessly throughout, from key lime cupcake california to lusciously warm lemon wedge washington DC. At this point, we vacation from our delectable tirade amongst casual conversation peppered with the occasional vulgar quip (I am as crafty with wit as I am with whipped cream), and begin tapping the 2 kegs of Wheat beer that I obtained the day before.
Finally mildly intoxicated I excuse myself into the next room (despite your staunch protests, after all I am, VERY charming) and return dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte. I proudly present you with your Lex Luthor outfit and suggest my drawn out plot for the ultimate ambrosia ambit of delicious world domination.
You unconsciously find yourself submitting an alluring nod in my direction, and a smore smeared smile creeps across your face.
Your find yourself dissolved in your evil character, discovering an itch to destroy the delicious sugar laced buffet beneath you. You are intoxicated with power. With a shot of thunder similar to Zeus you take Topica Kansas into your hands and begin devouring. I whisper in your ear "A throne is only a bench covered in velvet" fueling your hunger for saccharine sweet power as you move to devour southern Italy. I take photos of you moving across the Ligurine Sea smashing Siena into your Lips. I butter my face with thick icing, blindly thrashing through china. You notice my child like ecstasy as I devour Beijing and begin to pounce towards me. I headlock you into antartica. Slipping on fruit salad we flatten into eastern europe and roll around in the recipe that has become our defeated world.
"What a meal" you breathe into my ear.
"It's not over yet" I answer.
suddenly you hear the unmistakable sound equine nature. I have a small pony fitted as a unicorn rush into the room which we both mount for ride, and bust out my front door. Dripping with cake and other treats the beast throws back and gives me a approving glance. We head to Franklin Street and hit a few local bars, getting the pony just as drunk as we are.
Close to midnight we discover our tiny pegasus picking a fight with a nasty old man at the end of the bar. It seems our jackass has had too much to drink. Belligerent, my unicorn finishes his PBR and pukes into the mans lap.
revealing his large teeth he spits into the man's face "Hey bud, you gots a f*ckin problem wit me havin curtains in my pickup truck??"
the bar goes dead silent.
how the hell do we get our drunk unicorn off this guy?
What do we do?
You whip out your breasts in which you start shooting lasers from your diamond like nipples annihilating the pony and everyone else in the bar. This turns me on. we make out on the flaming bar, ash and smoke choking us as we copulate.
"tonight was perfect" you tell me
"i think i love you" I gasp.
i reach behind the bar, still burning and take out a 6 foot tall roll of tin foil. you pull out 6 pounds of butter, sour cream, bacon and chives. we wrap ourselves up and bake in the fire. like two potatoes, forever in love.
Sound perfect??
Contact me with pictures!
RESPONSES:
"I fucking love you, Sir."
"omg, last time that happened to me I was able to wrestle the unicorn down, hog tie it, put a penis shaped safety cap on the horn and perform unspeakable but enjoyable sex acts while my date watch."
"That is very funny. If only my fantasy on my profile didn't say what it says. tongue wink"
"so this lex luthor outfit...bald cap or should i show up with my my head razored?"
...My Response:
"i would prefer a poorly fashioned bald cap- feverishly dressed on the top of your head (your real hair peaking out ,unkempt and messy) while in the throw of our destructive rampage, of course.
how are you doing? want to ride a unicorn with me and go eat paris?"
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